


Eight Things You Damn Well Better Know, Damn Fan Girl

by Mai_Blade



Series: The F-Word Gets Used a Lot [3]
Category: Eyeshield 21
Genre: Gen, Male-Female Friendship, Reader-Insert, Swearing
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-10-19
Updated: 2019-06-18
Packaged: 2019-08-04 12:30:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 3,017
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16346768
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mai_Blade/pseuds/Mai_Blade
Summary: In the time you had both known each other things had changed, but some things would always be the same. He knew that, and he knew you knew too.At least, you damn well better.





	1. When You Are Sad...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _...I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you that way._

It was well into two weeks past your last communication before Hiruma realized he hadn't heard from you. 

Sure, it irritated the hell out of him when you'd text him nonsensical ramblings about your day or whatever the fuck it was you sent him, and he hardly spared them a glance, but they were at least notifications that the first Devil Bats fan was still alive. Yeah, back when he, fucking fatty and the fucking old man were still the Mao Devil Bats you had been their one and genuine fan. Hell, that's all you could be since you weren't athletic enough to be a player or smart enough to be a manager (and you'd never be his slave or his puppet, for no goddamn reason other than you'd cheerfully declared yourself his friend when you were both still snot-nosed brats and had ignored his every rejection since then).

Flipping open his personal cellphone Hiruma checked his missed calls and voicemail and inbox. Nothing from you, not even an 'I'm fed up, fuck off and die' text. Scowling, he selected your name and pressed Call ( _no_ , he wasn't fucking worried or feeling guilty or any shit like that). Your cellphone immediately sent his call to voicemail.

"Oi, fucking pick up, damn fan girl." 

Hiruma promptly hung up without leaving his name or number, but then, he didn't have to. He put his cellphone away and decided to call again after practice.

Which is what he did.

You picked up on the second ring. "Y-Yoichi-k-kun?"

Hiruma frowned. Not because you called him by his given name, but because of the fact you were clearly trying to keep from crying. "What the fuck's the matter? Not that I actually give a damn."

He heard you try to muffle your sniffles but your voice broke when you spoke. "I g-got d-d-dumped."

Hiruma mentally gave you points for at least not using a horribly whiny voice. Aloud he dead panned, "I thought you went to an all-girls school." He grinned wickedly, his amusement apparent in his voice. "You had a fucking girlfriend?"

"No, you damned twit!" 

There, that anger was much better.

Hiruma glanced up, doing a lightning fast mental check on his schedule. "I have some time. I'll be over with alcohol."

You spluttered, "What? Why? I'm not that upset!"

"This bastard made you cry. We're gonna fucking kill him. The alcohol is to lower your damned inhibitions enough to get you to go along with it."

"I'm locking the doors and windows!"

"Don't make me blast the fucking door open, damn fan girl."

"...You bastard. You really would, wouldn't you?" 

He'd never get tired of the awe in your voice, or of the way you made 'bastard' mean so many things depending on how you said it to him. 

You sighed, already sounding less depressed. "Dad's still in the middle of a week-long driving shift, but for the love of god, Yoichi-kun, don't let my neighbors see you bringing the alcohol."

"Che, your fucking neighbors aren't the problem." He had them all in his Blackmail Book. "It's your dad and that fucking rig that―I'll be over soon."

Hiruma hung up and mentally cursed. He'd almost admitted something aloud. Glaring, he looked around to make sure no one had seen or heard. The coast was clear. Still rankling over almost saying something he hadn't meant to, Hiruma slipped his cellphone into his pocket and stalked off in the direction of your apartment. Your dad's face and voice surfaced in his mind, as he knew it would every time something about or having to do with you set it off.

 

_"Listen here, you snot-nosed little shit. See this girl, see my baby? You ever fucking hurt her or break her heart, I'll fucking run over you and then back up several times to smear your moist guts all over the street. Don't you think for one fucking second I won't, because I will. She's all I've got and all I live for. I'll kill anyone who hurts my baby, even if it is a fucking brat. Are we clear, kid?"_

 

The hairs at the nape of his neck stood up, the memory still vividly fresh no matter how he tried to fade or forget it. The look in your father's eyes back then... Even now, years later, he still believed your father's every word. He knew you did too, ever since your dad kicked the crap out of him and then proceeded to lecture him, front of you and all over a name-calling fight between children (he didn’t even shove you!).

Not that that was the reason he continued to—and still—associated with you. Hell, the phone call just now was concrete proof you both still called each other names. Nah, even if he continued to reject and deny the truth, he _knew_ , and he knew that you knew too.

( _“I know. But I’m yours!”_ )

Which is why _that bastard_ had hell coming his way, whoever he was.

* * *

**If a friend is in trouble, don't annoy him by asking if there is anything you can do. Think up something appropriate and do it.**

**~Edgar Watson Howe**


	2. When You Are Blue...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _...I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you._

Your ex-boyfriend's life was over. No, he wasn't dead, Hiruma couldn't get you that drunk, sadly. However, he did get you intoxicated just enough to go ruin the bastard's life, as well as the tramp's he cheated on you with and left you for when you found out. 

Now, revenge taken care of, you were both hanging out at your apartment with take-out food and bitching loudly at each other. 

"I coulda made you copies, damn it! You didn't have to fucking rip out the pages from my book!" 

"Aw, don't be a baby," you retorted, voice slightly slurred. You waved your chopsticks at him, irking him. "You, Yoichi-kun, are a devil, not a, uh, um...baby."

He rolled his eyes, taking a swig from his soda can. You never had been the sharpest knife in the drawer and he doubted you ever would be. Seriously, it was so easy to trick you into doing things that it wasn't even fun (and no, it didn't piss him off when other people exploited that part of you, don't be fucking stupid).

You continued, blithely unaware that he was barely paying you half-attention. "Anyway, I need to have that info on hand in case he or she tries to do...something..." You trailed off before bursting out, slamming your fists on the table and unintentionally drawing his full attention back the present. "I hate this! My thinking feels like chocolate pudding!"

Hiruma arched an eyebrow. He'd never heard it quite put that way before. "Well maybe you shouldn't drink then, damn fan girl."

You gaped at him in shock, momentarily stunned. A sharp-toothed grin on his face jarred you from your frozen state. Jabbing your chopsticks in the air at him, you finally managed to splutter an angry retort. "You made me!"

"Wrong," he corrected, smooth-as-you-please. He swirled his soda can, still grinning widely as he stared you straight in the eye. "I just brought the alcohol over. I didn't hold a gun to your head to make you drink it."

You stammered wildly, head feeling fuzzy. "But, you, I, no!" 

But it was true. He hadn't forced you to drink anything. He just showed up at your door, blond and smirking, and you opened a can and drank without prompting or threat of death. But...!

"But you would have made me, under threat of death or black..."

You trailed off, body relaxing as realization hit you. There were things he would make you do, on occasion, but with mere wordplay to trick you into submission and compliancy, because, honestly, that's usually all it took (a sad fact of life you'd both learned early on). There were things he'd shoot at you for (mostly for his own benefit), sure. He'd swear at you and call you names, and on occasion he'd even kick your ass (the highest praise he'd ever give).

But Hiruma Yoichi would never, ever blackmail you, not for anything.

Because.

Your face heated up and you couldn't finish either your sentence or train of thought. You couldn't even bring yourself to look back up at spiky haired menace across from you so you used your chopsticks to stuff food into your mouth. 

Then you made the mistake of glancing up at him.

His eyes had narrowed dangerously and his grin had become an angry scowl. He took another gulp from his soda can but this time it looked like he was using the can to throw up a wall between the two of you.

"Yoi―urk!" Your gasp had become a choke as the food still in your mouth unexpectedly decided it was time to go down your throat, all at once and in a big clump, completely blocking the precious flow of air into your lungs.

You had hardly begun to rasp when Hiruma was suddenly behind you, hauling you up with his thin arms under your ribcage. He performed the Heimlich Maneuver on you, pulling you inwards and upwards to him several times in quick succession with force in an attempt to dislodge the obstruction in your throat. Panic seized your body as long seconds went by without air. Were you gonna―

"Hargh!" The clump suddenly flew out of your mouth and you hacked, coughs wracking your body as you slumped to the floor. Air, blessed, precious air flowed into your lungs as your chest expanded with joy. Your hand clenched your shirt while you propped yourself up on the other. 

"Fucking idiot, learn to fucking _chew._ "

His words were angry and harsh, but he was kneeling next you, his hand on your shoulder and the other almost, almost touching the one you had pressed against the floor. His eyes were narrowed and sharp, but they were focused on you when you managed to raise your head to look at him.

"Hehe, sorry," you chuckled weakly, voice shaky. You let go of your shirt to sort of wave it at him. "Thanks, Yoichi-kun. You probably just saved my life."

He snorted and sat back but he didn't return to his former seat on the other side of the table. The two of you just sat there for a few minutes, letting the adrenalin dissipate and your respective heartbeats return to normal.

"...Is it bad I'm still gonna finish this?"

"...Fuckin' moron..."

* * *

**The best rule of friendship is to keep your heart a little softer than your head.**

**~Author Unknown**


	3. When You Smile...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _…I will know you are plotting something that I must be involved in._

A few weeks later, Hiruma picked up the phone out of a rare moment of boredom. The phone rang three times before you picked up.

“Hi, Yoichi-kun~”

He perked up at your lilting tone, a slight smirk appearing on his face. “What fuckery are you up to now?”

“Nothing,” you chirped, letting him exactly know that you were up to _something_. What that something was you had better enlighten him about it or he would drag it out of you. Fortunately, you spared yourself that particular interrogation when you continued. “It’s just, well, what with Valentine’s Day coming up, we’re making chocolate cookies in Home Ec. It’d be a shame if, say, _salt_ somehow got mixed up with the sugar, wouldn’t you say?”

Hiruma deadpanned, unimpressed, “I thought you were over him?”

“My last revenge,” you promised. He could _hear_ your smile widen over the phone. “Home Ec. is the last class of the day. The cookies will be warm and fresh, perfect chocolate presents.”

“Apart from the sabotage,” he drawled, kicking his feet up onto the clubhouse table.

“Right,” you agreed.

He talked to you for a few more minutes, filling you in on the Deimon Devil Bats progress (“You had better make it at least one fucking game, damn fan girl!”), while you told him about your dad's latest truck hauling schedule.

“Have fun with your petty, girlish revenge,” he said by way of goodbye when you ran out of things to say at the moment.

“And you with your continuous blackmailing,” you said in return, with no hard feelings.

You both just accepted that the other would have weird parts to them that neither of you would ever completely understand, but that was fine.

And hey, just because you didn’t understand didn’t mean you couldn’t participate, right?

Hiruma thought to himself, ‘ _For such a thing to go smoothly there’d have to be both no taste-testing and precise timing so that the cookies are done at exactly the end of class,_ ’ 

He pulled out his Book of Threats and looked up your Home Ec. teacher.

* * *

**Friends can help each other. A true friend is someone who lets you have total freedom to be yourself - and especially to feel. Or, not feel. Whatever you happen to be feeling at the moment is fine with them. That's what real love amounts to - letting a person be what he really is.**

**~Jim Morrison**


	4. When You Are Scared…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _…I will rag on you about it every chance I get._

It wasn’t night yet, not technically. Still, heading home in the last vestiges of twilight on a deserted street made for a really creepy walk home. You swallowed nervously, wishing you hadn’t stayed so long at Yumi-chan’s. Your hands gripped the straps of your schoolbag as you strode on as fast as your legs could take you. 

The walk home was scary, and to make things worse, Dad wasn’t home so you were just heading to an empty apartment. Wah, didn’t he warn you about going home before this time of day? There were weirdoes and dangerous maniacs out there!

You sighed and slowed your quick pace just a bit in your depression.

_Shff._

The hairs on the back of your neck stood up as you heard the sound of someone behind you. You were torn between turning around to look and taking off as fast as you could run. But being frail, if it’s anything bad or scary, there’s nothing that you can really do except hope that it isn’t something terrible.

_Shff, shff, shff, shff._

With a frightened squeak, fight or flight kicked in, and you bolted forward as your vision blurred and your heart jack-hammered in your chest. Damn it, your legs were shaking, making it difficult to run!

_Shffshffshffshff._

You tried screaming but only peeped in fear. Was this it? Was this your gruesome end?

Skeletal fingers clamped down on your shoulder and voice whispered in your ear. 

“Boo.”

Your voice finally decided to make itself useful as you fell to your knees, but far too late for anyone to come save you. “ _AYYAAAAA!!_ ”

“KEKEKE!!”

Wait, that laugh…

You spun around, slapping the skeletal hand away as you bolted back up on your feet. “Damn it, Yoichi-kun! You almost gave me a heart attack!”

Hiruma just gave you his wide shit-eating grin. “One would think you’re too old to be scared by the bogeyman.”

You clutched the front of your uniform as you gave him a sidelong glare. “If that were true then nobody’d be afraid of you, Yoichi-kun.”

The blond shrugged, dismissing the conversation, “Take-out?”

Your shoulders slumped. “That’s it, end of conversation?!”

He held up a bag. “Your favorite.”

Damn your traitorous lips, widening into a smile against your will. “…Fine, but I’m not gonna just forget this.”

That stupid grin was back. “What made you think I was ever gonna let you forget?” He cackled, remembering, “The look on your face! You were like a scared rabbit, bolting at an unknown sound!”

The two of you started walking, and you slapped his arm in annoyance and embarrassment as he continued laughing at you.

“Yoichi-kun!”

* * *

**There's no fear when you're having fun.**

**~Will Thomas**


	5. When You Are Worried...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _...I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit whining._

Hiruma had gone to your place to regale you with the tale of the Deimon Devil Bats’ latest football victory because you were too fucking ‘busy’ to attend. You were apparently being consumed by the worries of your ‘suddenly looming university entrance exams’, which were almost two years away, he pointed out.

Your mouth downturned as you worried. “What if I fail my university entrance exam?”

Hiruma stared over the table at you, bored. “Then you’ll have a lackluster life struggling along with a high school diploma.”

Your brows furrowed in concern. “What if I can’t get into my first-choice university?”

“Life sucks,” Hiruma replied, sipping his soda.

You looked up at the ceiling, fretting over hypothetical situations. “What if my Dad gets into an accident and he has to use up the savings for my university tuition to pay for the hospital bills?”

Hiruma resisted the urge to roll his eyes. _Girls._ “Then you won’t go to university, yeah?”

You slammed down your textbook. “Yoichi-kun, be serious! I have to study, and get into a good university, and get a good job so I can take care of my Dad when he’s all old and stuff!”

Hiruma stared at you, deadpan. “But you’re gonna get knocked up, have a family, and be busy with your own life by the time he’s too old to work.” He looked down at his soda can. “Besides, he’s the type to stubbornly stay independent until he unexpectedly wakes up dead one day.”

When he looked back at you he realized he’d crossed the line. Tears glimmered in your eyes as you scowled at him. “You’re the worst, Yoichi-kun.”

The two of you sat there in awkward silence for a good two minutes before he spoke again. 

“You realize I’m never gonna let most of the things you worry about happen, right?”

You looked up from your textbook reluctantly, eyes still wet tears.

He could have elaborated and painted a picture, listing all the things he was never gonna let happen to you, and state that you were his friend so of course he’d never let a shit storm rain on you.

But he didn’t.

You just nodded and slowly smiled, wiping your watery eyes as you said with certainty, “I know.”

* * *

**Silence make the real conversations between friends. Not the saying, but the never needing to say that counts.**

**~ Margaret Lee Runbeck**


End file.
